Mom.

 Not gonna lie, I still find it hard to talk about what i'm gonna talk about now, but I believe that if I start talking about it, I'll feel better.

January 2023. A month that started so well yet had the biggest plot twist of my life.

We entered the new year cheerful (and drunk, apparently), shooting fireworks, drinking champagne.

All was well, until around the 2nd week of Jan, where my mom suddenly felt sick, and at some stage, totally unable to walk under her own power. My dad decided to take her to the hospital. That day, was unfortunately, the last time I saw her in person. For that whole week, I was left taking care of her business, while my dad went to see her. Every time I talked to her over call or WhatsApp, she sounded alright... I was certain that she was gonna come back home. On the 16th of January, I remember sending her a video of the puppies we just got, showing her how cute they are. I sent that video in the morning and she responded with "The puppies are here 😍🫶" I continued my day, listening to music, playing with the puppies. All was well, until it wasn't. At around 10PM, my dad received a call from the hospital, asking him to come. At first, I thought that they were asking him to fetch her, and so I became excited...but not for long. The intrusive thoughts started kicking in. "What if this is it for her?" "Nah, no ways" "Nah she's definitely coming back" I laid in bed, trying to sleep, but these thoughts kept occupying my head. Eventually, I fell asleep. At around 2AM, my cousin and I were abruptly woken up by my uncle, who knocked on our window. He accompanied my dad to the hospital, so his knocking signaled that they were back. I woke up literally shaking, hoping that whatever I was thinking didn't come true. He said that we should go to my dad. Half-asleep, we walked to my dad's room, where we found him standing by his bed, sorting out laundry. His silence said a lot to me. He told us to go back to sleep. Something in my mind told me that it's game over. I went back to sleep, with this thought that my mom might have left us floating in my mind. 6AM that very same day, the 17th of January 2023, I woke up to the sound of some of our elders talking outside. I stepped foot outside, where I met my grannies and my dad. My dad led me to his room to break the news that my mom had passed away on the evening of the previous day. I remember standing there, with a cup and toothbrush in hand, standing dead still... like I glitched. I couldn't believe what he told me, but it confirmed my suspicions. Tears started to run down my cheeks. I felt broken (still do to this day). I felt weak, hopeless. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. I cried in my dad's arms. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but the pain was indescribable... still is. I brushed my teeth with tears still rolling down my cheeks. I never got the opportunity to see her when she was in hospital. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. The last thing she said to me when she left was "I love you baby" I can still hear her voice saying that. She left us the week the results were being released. The day the results came out, it was bittersweet for me. Sure, I got the bachelor's pass she wanted, and 2 Distinctions alongside, I was never happy, because she wasn't there to celebrate with me. On the day of her funeral, watching her friends cry, I realised how much of a blow this was. That's when I realised that life is unpredictable, and you can lose anyone, even your loved one, at any time. After this experience, I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was, because I lost a huge chunk of me. Now, I have nobody I can come back to talk about my day and my life. 

Honestly, I wouldn't wish for any of you to experience the pain of losing your loved one, and if you have already, i'm truly sorry for your loss.

I love you Mama <3