What went wrong?

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This here is a compilation of thoughts that I wrote down, and I thought i'd share it with you guys, so enjoy!!

I went from being energetic, from participating in classes, to just being a figure… a figure who’s just there nje. I went from getting satisfactory results to getting sub-par marks for the subjects I used to do well with. Where did I go wrong? Is it academic pressure? Is it pressure that I put on myself? Is it just me boing lazy? I was once a boy who thought only positive things who turned to being somebody who tends to overthink even the tiniest of things? Just a person with negative thoughts that tend to escape the mental prison that I "locked" them down in. “What if I get low marks?” “What if I get rejected?” All these “what ifs” flowing through my mind. Am I neglecting myself? Is what my dad saying true? That I’m just gonna fail? That I won’t succeed? That I’m not going to make it in life if I don't change my ways? I keep saying no, but at this stage, there's no evidence of that change. It is just the hormones kicking in? Are they mood swings? Not everyone is used to me being like this… not talking as much as I used to, not being active in classes. Classes where I used to be active in… Where did I go wrong? At this stage… I dunno. I’ve no fucking clue. “Are you okay?” People ask. “Yes” I respond, knowing very well that I’m not. Am I losing myself? My train of thought? Nobody knows. I know I’m smart, I’ve proved it time and time again… but that’s only with school work. Question is: Am I smart? Am I smart outside of school? I honestly dunno. Am I better off alone? With nobody to open up freely to without being laughed at? You know, I'm one who lacks motivation. I always try to bring some motivation to do stuff, but it’s pointless. I lose motivation anyway. I begin the day with some motivation…:e.g. “I’m going to talk to Dineo…” sometimes is my motivation. Do I? Not a fucking chance. Physical limitations? Plenty. Where did I go wrong? Has the OG Chief died? The chief that everybody… well, almost everybody liked? Have I forgotten my true self?



Guess we'll never know.

Comments

  1. Unknown17 September 2021 at 03:01

    I get and l understand your emotions. And do couz am in the same boat with you. But one thing that l know is you are the only one who can bring change to yourself but how will you bring it!? Imma just leave this over here though. We all suffering! Deeply sinking in pain that no one else understands then you get at school were everyone else uses you like a toilet paper. The fake smiles and fake friends. The number of friends you get during exams compared to normal days! I wanna say l that no one is there for me apart from Juice Wrld and Xxxtentacion. Sbwl to close my eyes and never wake up again 🤙🕊️

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